I’m definitely a very curious person. I love this in myself. I believe that in order for someone to really know the elephant, one has to see all sides of the elephant. Because an elephant looks oh so different from each side! I think that in order to understand my own nature, and the nature of life itself, it’s important to explore both from many different angles, too.
Sometimes my curiosity takes subtle forms and I can be satisfied with just my breath, as happens during meditation retreats. Other times my curiosity can take off in some wild directions. Balance is key here, a balance of opposites. I’m big on opposites, they feel right.
After exploring new challenges in extreme sports, to sit down and meditate. After being a good girl, people pleaser, to become a dominatrix. After living in a world of female sex entertainers, to come feast my eyes on a world-class male striptease show (yep, with lap dances!). After growing complacent in a Domme role, to explore the other side and see what it feels like to hire a dominatrix for a session.
Let me tell you about that last one. I went to see a Medical Domme. Yes, it’s wild and, I assure you, I most definitely grew nervous when my curiosity took me in this direction. Someone who plays the role of No-Mercy Nursey? Who makes you feel vulnerable as you play the role of a “patient” being “examined”?
I remembered we used to play games of doctors and patients as kids. It was an excuse for getting undressed and looked at, as well as a satisfaction of our curiosity to see for ourselves the difference between girls and boys. But I never quite fantasized of naught doctors as an adult. Until, that is, sheer curiosity and a wild drive for exploration brought me to Odette. I first got to know Mistress Odette on a personal level and loved her energy. I loved her enthusiasm for medical play, I loved how much time she invested in learning the skill, and I loved how elaborate and professional her play-space was. I felt a strong ‘yes’ and I enjoyed my own nervousness when I approached her for a session - I rarely feel this way!
She agreed and I went to fill out an application form that managed to make me, an experienced Domme, embarrassed by its multitude of choices. Then doubts began to pop up. What if I just don’t feel it? I can imagine myself fantasizing about something very naughty in the direction of doctor-patient role play after some drinks at night, with someone I’m attracted to. But how can I be in the mood in the middle of a normal sunny day in Austin?
The morning of our appointment I considered exit strategies. If I don’t like it, I can just leave, this experiment doesn’t have to be a successful one. I always have a safe word. I can politely excuse myself - I don’t think it’s my cup of tea.
As it turned out, I experienced being in a movie. A 3D movie that I perceived not only with eyes and ears, but also with sensations all over my body. We love watching movies in theaters and prefer them to be as believable as they can be - when actors do a good job playing the role, making us emotional, when special technical effects take our breath away, when 3D effects make us feel so immersed in it that it seems like it’s happening to us right now.
In our real life we don’t tend to want all of the things we see in a movie, we want only unicorns and rainbows, all the good things – success, wealth, health, romance, joy. While from movies we want emotions, adventure, rejections, humiliation, blood… We want to go on a wild exploration that will surprise us and perhaps somehow inspire us!
So here I was, visiting a play doctor in a play space. Her “dungeon” was a medical room, as real as it could get, and so was her outfit. What felt most real, though, was the tone of her voice: very caring and yet detached, grounding and yet controlling. Kind of sterile. Like someone I needed to trust. She’s a doctor, she knows what’s right for me.
She started by making me breathe and listening to my lungs, she looked into my ears and throat and asked me to say AAA, and I did. It was as real as it gets. I was just following the doctor’s orders. Every direction she gave me had a perfect explanation to back it up, and before I knew it, I was fully undressed, blindfolded, restrained and exposed as she performed all kinds of inappropriate experiments on my body. I had no more will power, no privacy and not even a desire to object to her.
I observed, to my deepest surprise, a most spectacular situation! Here is my doctor, taking advantage of me completely, manipulating me so masterfully into submission, exploiting my body for her terrible experiments, and here I am, enjoying my submission, wanting more of it and somehow feeling no shame about it. Well, that’s what I came here for, after all – to experience the adventure of being safe in this very wrong situation.
I caught myself wondering what kind of things she would do to me next - will they be pleasant or painful? I loved that I had no say in this, that she was the one driving the show while I got to observe how artfully she exploits me. The perfection of her medical language and hypnotic tone of her voice, the beauty of her tools and even the mirrors built into all the right places, the perfect balance of pain and pleasure, the strange sounds made by all her medical machines, the smell coming from the electric sensation play tools…. I could not have imagined the rich variety of sensations my body can experience if it weren’t for the vast variety of tools in her creepy medical arsenal. It’s been a while since my body felt that much!
My reason was completely against it. Oh this is so wrong, so perverted, so creepy! While my motivation initially wasn’t as much erotic as driven by my good old mighty friend, Curiosity, it turned into quite an erotic adventure. To be so masterfully manipulated, seduced and exploited! The only disappointing part was that we had to finish the session. Which was also when she covered me in a blanket and gave me a hug. What? Game over? Curtain closed? Oh no, this is it? I wanted you to continue exploiting me - don’t stop!
The aftercare was sweet and soothing, with hugs and blankets and water and a hot shower, and that’s when my everyday brain finally came back. The magic of the day was over and I was ready for reality. Emails and to-do lists all the way. In the afterglow of the session I began to contemplate: why is there such a difference between this adventure and reality? I most definitely want an honest, ethical doctor in my real life, and I’d sue them just as any real American would (I guess I’m quite americanized at this point) if they failed to be. But during play, I want something wild like this, and even wilder (did someone say ‘champagne enemas’?).
I also wondered why we don’t usually experience the painful parts of life as playful pleasure and figured the difference is that of choice and safety. The element of deliberate choice allows us to experience the pain and bondage as a kind of play, as something fun. In “real” life I wouldn’t feel safe in such a situation. In real life there are no safe words to ensure that things don’t end badly.
But it’s not just a question of safety. In real life, reasoning drives the show, and we judge things heavily. Right is right and wrong is wrong. Manipulation and exploitation by people in positions of power are so highly immoral, it’s just plain wrong. When exploited, we feel like failures, like victims, and our mind is far too preoccupied with these things. But when it’s a game, we get to notice the beauty of an adventure. During our kinky games, the judgments subside and we get to focus on the richness of the experience while enjoying the flow and trusting that things will end well.
I wonder. What if I could live life just like this adventure in a kinky session? What if I could take my constant reasoning of what’s right and wrong down a notch and believe in the ultimate safety of this game of life? What if I were to dive into every experience, even so-called negative ones, such as exploitations and betrayals, with curiosity and a sense of adventure? With less reasoning going on in my head, I wouldn’t care much for judgements either. Wouldn’t it be great? I guess then I’d be considered a mad artist or a complete freak. But then again, maybe I’m already there!
Special Thank You to Odette, my medical Domme https://mistressodette.com
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